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Writer’s Return: Recovering

In November 2021 I succumbed to Covid-19 for the first time. We had spent the first half of the pandemic diligently avoiding the virus but with children back in school it was almost inevitable. At my lung spirometry tests earlier this year the practitioner said to me ‘The variant you really wanted to avoid was Delta as that has caused the most breathing issues’. I think the expression on my face told him which variant had led me to the lab for those tests. That first exposure to the virus, the undesirable Delta variant, led to Long Covid. By January 2022 the fatigue was still significant. I had to abandon a shower half way through as I just couldn’t lift my arms enough to complete the hair wash. I bumbled my way through a training day where I was beginning sentences and then forgetting words before I could finish a trail of thought. As well as fatigue and brain fog, there were muscle aches (often my legs), burning pains in my hands and feet and a continued reduction in smell and taste. After the Moderna booster in autumn 2022, I experienced heart and breathing problems, leading to the diagnosis of three heart arrhythmias, including atrial fibrillation, moderate ventricular ectopic burden and prolonged QT interval. I often experience shortness of breath yet my oxygen levels are fine and at other times the complete opposite; a surprisingly low oxygen saturation but without any feelings of air hunger. Eventually, my Long Covid diagnosis has been ‘evolved’ into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and my heart and breathing issues have been attributed to ‘dysautonomia’ (a dysfunctional autonomic nervous system caused by the virus and/or booster) by the cardiologist. I have been discharged from the Long Covid clinic as a brilliant OT and attentive endocrinologist have shown me everything they have in their toolkit and now it’s up to me to learn to live with it and manage my symptoms. I remain under cardiology and await genetics and an implantable loop recorder that might eventually capture everything that goes on with my erratic heart.

Having self-published ‘Three’ with unexpected success (current sales are over 1,600 copies; not bad for someone who just thought her mates might buy a copy), I had planned to capitalise on the wave of interest shown and write a second book, perhaps capturing the attention of that most elusive entity- the literary agent. I began research with gusto, inspired by the village we were living in across multiple angles and several time periods. All around the land suggested a deep and varied history and local history (impressively collated by a local historian who sadly died just prior to my arrival in the village but left behind some handy books) with a smattering of folklore, all of which I was inspired to weave into a textured work of historical fiction. I had a clever plot device, characters were suggesting and introducing themselves and history was providing some great storylines. So, I set to work with my research and a whole notebook filled itself up in no time. But Long Covid called a halt to all that and my notebooks began to collect dust instead of my next ideas. Suddenly, working claimed all my energy and then some and I was too shattered at the end of the day to contemplate reading anything. At weekends I was exhausted and doing the vital work of resting ready for the next working week. In holidays, I used the precious additional energy I had when not working to re-connect with friends and family. In terms of spoons theory (used by the chronically ill to measure daily energy), I had no research spoons and certainly no writing ones. So, book number two became a lamentable ‘what if’ rather than a possible reality and over time I began to doubt I could ever write another book as well as struggling to remember how I had even made the first one a possibility.

Before being discharged from the Long Covid clinic I had an appointment with the Long Covid psychologist. She asked me what brought me joy. I guess she saw my eyes light up when I talked about my book, how much I loved research and the delight of actually writing it and fulfilling a lifelong dream. We talked about my baseline and how even with all the resting I was doing, I was still unable to do much more than my work each week without a whole lot of rest and recovery time. The endocrinologist had suggested I needed to reduce my working week and now the psychologist suggested I needed to use my extra day off for things that would help me rediscover the joy of living. So, reluctant to let go of my perceived career path, I have eventually put that plan into motion and from September 2024 I am working three days a week instead of four (and trying not to think about the pay cut!).

During the summer of ‘24 I have restarted my research gently with some fun reconnaissance on the ways of the corvid, both watching them in my locality and creating soundscapes and images and also reading a great book on these feathered wonders. I am pretty sure one of my new characters is pretty enamoured with them. Whilst in Whitby this summer I purchased a plushy crow to oversee my work. I have some excellent cuddly plague memorabilia, including a plushy plague doctor, a plague rat and even a soft yersinia pestis (plague) bacteria! Gathering some visuals for the new book feels comforting. I am also awaiting the arrival of a beautiful print of a woman bowing down beneath the trunk of a willow tree. It illustrates perfectly a scene I have already imagined in my mind for another character. I can’t wait to bring these characters to life but in the meantime collecting significant images together feels like progress.

So, I shall be dusting off the notebooks (carefully, I still have those breathing issues!) trying to reconnect with all those ideas I had two years ago and hoping they come back to me. I walk past the locations I plan to use daily and invite them to show me again what is to unfold there and I am trying to summon those incredible female characters who had started to form in my mind. I whisper their names and invite them to speak. I am asking ideas to find me. I am confirming I am not finished with them. Thursday will be my dedicated ‘book day’ and I am excited to restart and committed to getting my planning and pacing for the week right so I don’t just spend Thursdays in recovery. Thursday is Joy Day.

So, keep an eye on this blog and my website. I will share my process and give little insights into how it’s all going. I have put the husband on standby for the new book cover and I have a title. This might really (finally) be happening (again)…